


Why Mulder Doesn't Do Autopsies

by markwatneyandensemble



Series: The Mulder-Should-Have-Known-Better Series [3]
Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:58:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markwatneyandensemble/pseuds/markwatneyandensemble
Summary: This was based on a prompt by @wtfmulder on tumblr





	Why Mulder Doesn't Do Autopsies

“I’m assigning someone else if your partner takes any longer.”

“What?” Mulder asked, fuming at the ears for the millionth time that week.  _This detective, this asshole detective. Jerking them around, banning them from crime scenes. Now pulling this bullshit with the autopsy_.

“I said, we need the space. If your partner doesn’t get here soon, I’m assigning it to another pathologist.”

“But she’s working on a different autopsy, one that you specifically ordered to be done again. You can’t take her off this job just because she’s being thorough!”

“You betchure ass I can,” he said, getting right up in Mulder’s face. “She’s got ten minutes.”

Mulder glared right back at him, and sat down to watch the door.

Four minutes passed. Then six. Eight. Nine.

The lead detective turned to him smiling. “Well, it looks like your partner isn’t going to make it for our schedule, so I’m just going to have my guys start the autopsy.”

“She’ll be here soon, this is ridiculous!” Mulder was about ready to snap this guy’s neck. “I know you never wanted us on the case in the first place, but you can’t pull this crap on my partner- she’s an objectively good pathologist and needs a chance to do her job.”

“Look, son. We need this bay freed up. She hasn’t shown, so unless you want to start the procedure yourself, I’m tapping my guys in.”

“I’ll do it.” Mulder didn’t even hear himself until seconds after the words had already come out.

The guy stopped halfway to the door, and swiveled around to look at him like he couldn’t believe his ears. “Excuse me?”

“I’ll get things started for my partner. The initial exam and all, and then when she’s ready, she can take over.”  _That’s good. That works. The morals are a little shady, but it’s better than some small town goon botching the evidence. You can even stall getting into scrubs, and then just ramble on a little until Scully gets here. It’ll be fine._

“You’re a pathologist, too?” The detective was approaching him like a vulture circling a dead animal.

He slowly nodded, not wanting to verbally lie unless its necessary. “My partner, though. She’s a million times better.”  _Okay, that wasn’t a lie. She is definitely a million times better at being a pathologist._

The detective stared at him, his eyebrow raised like a cartoon figuring out something fishy was going on. But Mulder crossed his arms over his chest, and the guy made the wise decision not to argue with him about it.

“Fine, alright. I think there’ll be some spare scrubs in the locker room. Move it along.”

Mulder nodded quickly, and hurried down the hall.

* * *

“Er, uh hum,” he started, nervously glancing at the detective who was staring him down with a skeptical look that could rival Scully. “Starting initial external observation of Mark Blauman. April 4th, 1998.”

He leaned over the covered body, and pulled back the sheet, gasping and nearly jumping out of his size-too-small scrubs.  _So much blood. So much… other stuff. Like ground beef or something._

“I, uh, I- ahem.” He coughed a couple times, squeezing his eyes shut for a second. The late Mr. Blauman had been mauled by some kind of creature, clearly many days ago as well, and Mulder’s eyes watered at the mere sight. “I, uh, I’d like to note the- errr- the deep c-contusions on th-the-the head have something in them that appears to be…”

Mulder made the mistake of leaning in close to the body, his thin, white mask doing nothing to cover the putrid smell. He was holding his breath when he squinted, and realized what that was in the victim’s head.  _Maggots, some kind of fungus, dirt._  Mulder squeezed his eyes shut.

“What does it appear to be,” the guy prompted, sounding even more smug by the second.

Mulder took a moment, eyes closed, and tried to collect his emotions. After regrouping, he opened his eyes ready to answer the detective, when he was met with the sight of the mauled victim, it all hit him again.

 _Oh my god, its worse than before._ Mulder’s eyes snapped shut, his knees feeling weak, and almost buckling underneath him.

“Well?” the lead detective demanded. The louder he got, it seemed, the worse the smell.

“It, uh,” Mulder started, mumbling with his eyes still shut tight. “It appears to be some kind of-” and that was all he could get out before blindly stumbling out of the bay, towards the bathrooms in the hall.

* * *

Scully finished her second examination of the same corpse long after she’d expected to. Still bitter that the first exam was deemed not ‘thorough’ enough, she took her sweet time. She knew Mulder was likely stalling for her, but she couldn’t help but hope some local pathologists would start the next exam, so she wouldn’t have to do another twice over.

She reluctantly tidied up the area as best she could, before making her way down the hall. Mulder was grasping at straws here. They were likely all animal attacks and nothing to do with any paranormal, but she knew it would take more to convince him. She found the other bay easily, but Mulder was nowhere in sight. Just their ever-moody lead detective smirking in the direction of the door, and the sheet covering the corpse pulled back revealing only the head.

“Is it alright if I take over?” she asked, calmly making her way over to the table.

“Yeah, sure, go ahead.” The guy kept glancing towards the door smirking.

She pulled the sheet back to reveal the entire body. “Well, just from looking at it, there’s a lot less damage to the body than the other one that was found. That could mean anything from a different kind of animal attacked each of them, or different stages of decomposition, but it’s not much to go on. We’ll have to do more tests- I’m sorry is there something funny?” she asked, watching the lead detective chuckle at her notes.

He looked up surprised, and gave her the first smile she’d seen all week. “No, no. Nothing.”

“You were laughing.”

The guy shook his head, and glanced again at the door. “Your partner is some pathologist.” And then, without giving a word of explanation he gestured at her to continue, and made his way out of the room.


End file.
